I make no apologies to the disclosure in the following… Silence Kills.
I’ve often thought, over all these years, that I was weak for not having killed myself.
Even knowing now that Depression is a disease – a mental illness – and not a matter of Attitude. And that it lies to us. Depression – the liar, cheat, and thief. And even knowing that it is better that I am among the Living now.
But I still remember – and sometimes still feel – the sting of not accomplishing much in my life, of never finishing things.
Never measuring up to you. I know the ache of unfulfillment. And especially when my hopes run so high, and so many others insist on my having dreams and goals – but never stayed to see me realize them.
If I would have had the strength… I say.
If I would not have chickened out, been so weak…so ‘fraidy-cat -chicken-shit-gutless.
For someone so defiant and independent, I think to myself, look how I caved. I couldn’t even get that right, I think. I failed at even killing myself.
But then I’ve heard it said that our “nature abhors suicide”. That our basest instinct is to survive. No matter the conditions or cost.
It has little to do with the conscious thought process. We want to survive; need to survive.
We are driven to LIVE. And very little changes that without some chemical alterations to override that instinct. Alcohol, drugs – or some other chemical alteration – makes it possible to override Nature.
Luckily, providently, even WITH that chemical alteration – Nature Won.
Today, I came across a hand-made child drawing of the nutcracker – my daughter’s fourth grade creation. With its disproportioned legs and crude one-shoe-bigger-than-the-other ‘artistic’ impression.
The erase marks still there from where the hat was started too high on the page. It is dated exactly 16 years ago… and a mere 4 months after I attempted to permanently blot out my life. To end it all.
While my daughter was away, I had planned to take my life and nobody knew. I didn’t wear it on the outside. There wasn’t some dramatic clue or announcement. Just silence. Because of all I wasn’t; because of all I didn’t have; all I couldn’t be.
People who have never been there – have never been there.
They think it’s a mind-over-matter thing. You just have to be stronger, they say. But what the ‘matter’ was, had overrode the ‘mind’. And if I would have been stronger…And if I would have had the strength… I wouldn’t be sitting here now, to write this.
Sitting here now – holding this beautiful, messy, child’s drawing of Christmas past and joyful hopes of Christmas future.
It’s not about strength – I remind myself, and tell you. It’s about our Nature and will to live.
It’s about Unfinished Business here on Earth. And finding ourselves and one another. And not blocking Providence’s path to the door of our heart.
You and I still have work here.
Stick around. It gets better.
“When people bother you in any way, it is because their souls are trying to get your divine attention and your blessing.”
– Catherine Ponder